The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
