Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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