Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Congratulations! We have a period
we should paint friendship bongs
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