my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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