I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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