im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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