I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
