he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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