i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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