I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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