the new term for farting is butt boxing.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
