I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
