what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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