I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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