wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
