She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
