Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
