We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
not ubering you a puppy
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
