Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
