worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
this is an emotional support booty call
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
