you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
