TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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