Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
