After last night, I could never be a politician.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
