she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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