I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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