Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
