Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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