he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
