My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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