FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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