I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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