My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you inspire me to be a worse person
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
