I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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