I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
