Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
