grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
