I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
