dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
