and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
These tits shall not be calmed
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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