Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
