I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I deserve this hangover.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Where are you guys?
Drunk
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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