Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
