Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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