Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
