I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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