what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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