if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I need to stop coming to work sober
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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