I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
