i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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