Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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