I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
